The Texas Water Safari, set for this Saturday, is world renowned not just for being the world's toughest boat race, but for the unique rule that disallows assistance in any form, except water, during the race. This means that all gear and food must be carried in the boat from the starting gun to the finish tape. Since racers must paddle and carry these often heavy boats, the idea is to pack as little weight as possible. So, the trick it to get as many calories as possible with the least amount of weight. This leads to some pretty interesting concoctions.

Real food tends to be bulky and spreads calories, vitamins, carbohydrates, electrolytes and protein over a wide area. You have to eat a lot of sandwiches to equal the amount of calories that will be burned hour after hour during non-stop paddling. But mere calories aren't the answer; otherwise racers could just pack in all their favorite candy bars and go to town. For the long haul, Safari racers will need everything included in a normal diet multiplied times ten. When reading the governmental Recommended Daily Allowances (RDA) on the side of food packages, bear in mind that these amounts are what is recommended for a sedentary lifestyle, not that of an ultramarathon racer. In fact, most information regarding RDA for ultra distance athletes can only be found in tests conducted by the actual manufacturers of the food that is recommended. Despite the claim of double blind testing, it 's tough not to be skeptical about test bias.

Ultimately, word of mouth between canoe racers and trial and error is the determining factor for the specific energy food. Several paddlers concoct their own magic potions for success. It's quite simple to purchase concentrated amounts of carbohydrates, vitamins, electrolytes and protein and mix it all together, but the real problem is swallowing and digesting the nasty mess throughout the race.

Over the past few years of trial and error during my Safari attempts, I have mixed together ingredients that could power a Saturn V rocket and should have been buried in a toxic landfill. After a week of experimentation, I would show up for weekend practice with my partners and announce my latest mixture designed to end all need for calories and small spaces. Somehow, I had managed to cram over 5000 calories in a small plastic quart bottle. All I had to do now is take a gulp from the bottle every few minutes to have enough energy for a hundred miles or so. It even had a cool banana taste? sort of.

After an hour of paddling came the moment of truth. I announced my intentions and warned my partners to buckle their seat belts because we were going to take off. I uncapped the semi-liquid gruel and should have taken notice of the smoke cloud that popped out and the falling buzzards above the lid, but I was determined. You'd think a quick glance at the yellow-orange sludge would've deterred the sip, but I was convinced this was just the thing for a winning race. I tilted my head back and took four deep gulps, then quickly recapped the bottle before anymore river foliage was permanently damaged. The "milk mustache" above my lip removed what razor stubble remained, but I felt pretty good. I calculated that I was able to ingest a little over one thousand calories in a few seconds. Ha! That should scare our competition!

Predictably, as with many seemingly good plans, the idea was rejected. Not by my partners, but five minutes later by my stomach. I guess it had just too much of a good thing. This led to a more conservative diet with smatterings of actual food in my waterproof packaging for the Safari. I don't do as much experimenting these days, but occasionally get a new idea.

Hmmm, I wonder if I could make a sandwich out of two energy bars and some energy gel?