jaydeltathree

Current Musings

I came down with some kind of flu bug last night. Not something terribly vicious, but enough for me to wuss out and not study today. I just finished reading Randy Alcorn's Deadline. Strangely enough, I read his latest novel, Deception, first. I was in a bookstore in Florida looking for something to read since I wasn't really into the beach thing like the rest of the family. Deception caught my eye, but when I realized it was part of the series, I looked at the earlier books. After looking briefly at what the other books were about, I decided to go with the one that got my attention in the first place.

Anyway, my thoughts now are not so much of the book, but I guess just kind of about Christianity in general. Or my Christianity. Or me. It started a couple of days ago. I started thinking again about who I am, and why I am this way. I'm thinking that its not by accident. God has shaped me into the person that I am on purpose. But to what end?

I've always felt that I was different. And not necessarily special, better than everyone else. Just different. Despite the spectacular shortcomings of my walk as a Christian as a young person, I can remember that I actually did want to serve God. I can remember making a sincere dedication to Him. I can remember reading the scriptures, and wondering why I didn't see anybody doing the things I was reading. I remember telling myself that it must be okay, but not really being convinced.

And now thinking of this, I am convinced that there are more people out there like me. Obviously there have always been people that have a heart bent towards God, you can find many of them in your local church. But there must have been others like me, who didn't have the same upbringing that I did, not born into a God-fearing, church-going family, but still had that inner inclination. And just like my young dedication became stifled in lukewarmness and materialism, there are no doubt many others who experienced the same or worse, depending on how many seeds were actually sown into their life.

This is an aside, but its a good one, because it ties into the thing I was thinking about when Steve was preaching. God has called us to be disciples, to MAKE disciples. And now I am thinking that's not the same thing as the thing we call soul-winning. The bible also says that we are to compel men to come in. Freely we have received, and we should freely give. But God is pro-choice. And many men have made their decision. The wonderful thing about decisions is that we are allowed to change our minds. But so many people in our culture have already heard the good news and aren't interested. Its very discouraging sometimes. But I'm thinking that I should always be on the lookout for that one among many, that person that has that thing in their heart. Of course I'm also remembering that the bible says we should cast our bread upon the waters, so that it doesn't mean that I should be stingy with the word of God, but the bible also teaches us to have discernment. If we cast pearls before swine, we shouldn't be surprised when the result is exactly what the bible tells it should be. But we were swine at some point too. Okay, I'm going in circles now, but I guess I'm thinking that there are times that we just cast out our nets and see what happens, and there are times when our efforts are much more deliberate and precise.

But back to the original thought: who am I? I am a guy who really does want to please God, and I want to do whatever it takes to fulfill the calling he's called me to. In some areas I have a decent degree of detachment to the things of this world, and yet there are some things in this world I am very attached to, some more than others. Sadly, over the past decade, I've undone a lot of the progress of detachment that had been done when I first started walking this walk. I've definitely accumulated a lot more things, which isn't necessarily bad, but some attachment has come along with some of the things. It seems harder to let go of the things of this world than it did back then, but maybe that's just an illusion. It certainly wasn't easy back then either.

I see that I am very much attracted to fiction and fantasy. When I back off from them, they start to permeate my dreams, and I find myself not wanting to wake up because I'm as engrossed in my dreams as I would be in a television program. I can't do anything about my dreams, can I? Maybe the whole thing isn't as unhealthy as I've been thinking? But anything becomes unhealthy when excess is involved. And for me that seems to be the case. Even now, with me reading a Christian novel, once I start reading, I don't want to stop. I will read into the wee hours of the morning. I'd never thought much about it before, but that can be just as distracting as if I had been watching TV, at least as far as my schedule is concerned. I can be just as grouchy if someone wants to me to do something that would pull me away from the book. And with books, I actually end up spending much more time reading than I would watching TV.

But still, I'm now considering the possibility that the fiction thing may not be bad, but I still have to control it just like everything else in my life. Like eating. Eating isn't bad, but right now its one of the biggest struggles in my life. Just because something is good doesn't mean that you don't have to but boundaries and restrictions on it, and keep it under control. Just because you have problems with something and have to put boundaries and restrictions on it, doesn't make it bad.

Somewhere down the line, I became open to the idea that totally removing things from my life, that seem irrevocably linked to our culture, was a viable option. Thinigs like television. Now that I'm thinking about it, I didnt think that doing those things proved that I was some kind of superchristian, that I was better than everybody else. I actually thought it was because I was weaker than other Christians, that they could handle watching TV without being totally glued to the set, while I can't. But there were other thoughts too. I guess one of them was maybe self-congratulatory that I would even consider such 'radical' moves in my Christian walk. There has also been the influence of legalism in my life. Carolina and I had this talk awhile back. There has long been this thought on the edge of my conscious thought that legalism was bad, but it wasn't as bad as license, because at least you were trying, at least you were doing something. Now I see that as false. In fact, as Carolina said, legalism is probably worse, because it is the breeding ground for self-righteousness, which is terribly destructive because you can get off the path and still think you are right.

I have pretty solid admin skills. I've worked as a clerk and seriously considered human resources as a career. Also thought about accounting, as I'm at home with numbers. I've had a love for computers since I was seven years old. I still don't know half of what I want to know, but the fact that I've got four computers in this house right now, one of which is at my feet with the cover open and the power supply pulled out, kind of shows where I am in that regard.

I'm in the Army. I learned how to fly helicopters. I joined because it seemed like the right thing to do, a win-win situation. Serve my country and gain skills in the process. I wasn't particularly interested in leadership, management or operations, but up until recently that was my entire Army experience. Now I've shifted into a more technical field.

I am interested in theology. Just like computers, there is so much more about Christianity and God that I want to know. I kick myself that I haven't take the time to take formal classes to learn more. I've thought about being a Christian counselor. I think that I know how to listen to people, and I like to help people solve their problems.

Communications wise is a mixed bag. I think that I've gotten much worse in speaking than i used to be. My brain is like hard drive that needs to be defragged. I get stuck in the middle of sentences because I'm looking for the perfect word. Or I have to start sentences over again because the word I wanted to use doesn't come up. I feel like I sound pretty stupid. When I have prepared speeches, people say I have a very soothing voice. Does that mean I put them to sleep? I have been complemented on my reading. I've been told I have a radio voice. I used to envy the voice God gave Victor Boutte, a voice that you just could not ignore, but I did learn long ago that God made Victor to be Victor, and he made me to be me, so I shouldn't be envious about what God gave him.

But I guess that's what all this is about. It seemed pretty obvious what God called Victor to, but it hasn't been clear to me where God is calling me. I realize that one reason is because I haven't been listening. I've been distracted, sidetracked and to be blunt, I've been in bondage to sin for many years. But in those moments of clarity, I usually find myself asking, 'So what am I supposed to be doing now?'

And yeah, I got it. My immediate mission is to be a husband and father. To raise a godly family. But I guess I'm wondering what else. Every husband and father has that mission. I'm looking at where life has taken me, how I've been shaped, and thinking there's more to it than just that.