Total Eclipse: a musical farce in two acts

    (C) Copyright 1991 by Kevin Krisciunas and Margaret Lynn Harshbarger


		with music by Handel, Beethoven,
		Verdi, Puccini, Liszt, Strauss, Balfe,
		Mozart, Offenbach, and Seldombach
		(at least)


The action takes place on the days leading up to, and 
including, May 12, 1706, in Barcelona, capital of the 
province of Catalonia, Spain.

To tell the truth, there really was a total solar 
eclipse visible from Barcelona on May 12th.  Local politics 
was intertwined with the War of the Spanish Succession.  The 
local leader was the Austrian Archduke Charles III.  Solar 
eclipses do repeat with an 18 year cycle.  Observing a 
partial solar eclipse is hazardous to the eyes, but observing 
the few minutes of totality of a total solar eclipse is safe.  
The other details probably did not take place as presented 
here (but you never know!).




Dramatis impersonae 

In order of appearance:

Don Juan Capistrano, Jr.,  astronomer, returning to 
  Spain after a long journey to the Far East
A succulent young Gypsy girl
Don Vaselinio, Mayor of Barcelona [basso not-so-profundo], a slick fellow
Father O'Ryan, reluctant assistant to Inquisitor
Cardinal Imbroglio, The Inquisitor, whose presence 
  gives credence to the old adage, "Within every silver lining 
  there's a dark cloud."  He is dressed in a long red cloak 
  with a big yellow Happy Face on the back, and the words, 
  "Have a nice day."
Two trumpet-playing guards at palace
Archduke Charles III of Austria, heavyweight contender 
  for the Spanish throne; also, Waltz Champion of Vienna, 1688 
  [really just a heavyweight]
Palomara, The Duchess, his wife
Senorita Mariposa, the Duchess's Lady in Waiting, who is tired of waiting
A cleaning lady
Various citizens of Barcelona (food vendors, fishmongers, flower sellers, 
  Gypsy dancers, etc.)

				 Overture

			Act I - Scene 1: The city square
 
The curtain opens, revealing the city's main square, bustling 
with people.  Restaurant owners try to coax people in for 
lunch.  There are flower sellers and Gypsies.  

(Don Juan enters during the opening song.  The Director must 
decide if Don Juan is oblivious to all the innuendo that 
swirls around him, or if he really intends all the double 
entendres.)

			Welcome to Barcelona
	(to a theme from "The Bohemian Girl" by Balfe)

	We---lcome to Barcelona
	Everything is hunky-dory.
	And-the-Sun shines upon the
	Heart of Catalonia's glory.
	Never-mind what you may have heard
	About the local politics.
	Look-around and you surely
	Won't find people in hysterics.

	Summer, winter, a---ll year
	Everything is jo---yous.
	But the Cardinal - at times -
	He really can annoy us.
	Summer, winter, a---ll year
	You will find him sche---ming.
	So watch out what you may think
	And even what you're dreaming.

	We---lcome to Barcelona's
	Medit'rranean splendor.
	And-the-Duke who's our leader
	Is the Spanish Crown's con[pre?]tender.
	Hope-you-like all the flowers 
	Such as edelweiss and peonies.
	For-the-Duke is a fellow - 
	How to say it? - well, he's Viennese.
	[16 bars of dance]

	We---lcome to Barcelona
	Everywhere are winners.
	For-the-Duke often gives us
	Wienerschnitzel-taco dinners.
	But-the-Cardinal makes things hard
	By calling into question
	Barcelona's traditions
	And he gives us indigestion. [repeat twice more]

Don Juan: Catchy tune! How my father loved this city.  His 
first and greatest conquests were behind some of these very 
walls.  And I have taken my father's interests in heavenly 
bodies to their astronomical limit, having thus become 
intimately acquainted with all celestial phenomena.  How 
fortuitous that the home of my birth should be the stage for 
the greatest of all observations: a total solar eclipse.  
This kind of activity really excites me...(Looks around.  
Sees girl.) You there...Yes, you.

A succulent young Gypsy girl:  Pardon me?!

Don Juan: Buenos dias.

S. Y. G.:  Buenos dias yourself.

Don Juan: Please, allow me to introduce myself.  I am Don 
Juan Capistrano.

S.Y.G.: (Looking at him slightly suspiciously) Judging from 
your manner, I would guess that you are not from these parts.

Don Juan: Actually, I am from here, but am returning home 
after many years of travel.

S.Y.G.: (Flirtatiously) Ah, the proverbial man of many parts.

Don Juan: Indeed! Many parts. (Coyly putting a finger under 
her chin and tilting her head back slightly.) Some I can 
explain, and some require tangible demonstrations. It has 
been my privilege to travel the world in pursuit of the 
pleasure that can only be derived from a plethora of 
celestial phenomena.

S.Y.G.: You don't say.

Don Juan:  Perhaps a summary of some of my favorites will 
suffice?

S.Y.G.: Si, Senor.

(For this next song to work with all its innuendo, there 
needs to be a variety of attractive women on stage, one 
rather well endowed, one with gold rings, one with long wavy 
light brown hair, etc.  It is sung to the tune of "Finch' han 
del vino" from Don Giovanni, by Mozart, the gist of which is 
"All to my castle/ Bid them repair...Some pretty damsel/ With 
me will stray." The lines are numbered to abbreviate the 
repeat in the last third.)

Don Juan begins singing it in Italian: Finch' han del vino/ 
cal-da la testa/ una gran festa, fa preparar...

S.Y.G.: Senor, as you are a true Spaniard...please...sing it 
in English!

			It's long been my duty
 
	 1  It's long been my duty
	 2  To contemplate beauty
	 3  Hence constellations
	 4  And planets delight.
 
	 5  Few sights terrestrial
	 6  Match those celestial:
	 7  Stars like the eyes of a
	 8  Goddess at night.
	    Stars like the eyes of a
	    Goddess at night
	    Goddess at night
	    Sparkling so bright.
 
	 9  Large moons of Jupiter
	10  Gold rings of Saturn
	11  (A) lunar eclipse
	12  Of hue like the lips
	13  Of golden-tressed Venus
	14  With skin lily-white.
	    Lunar eclipse of hue like the lips
	    Of golden-tressed Venus with skin lily-white.
	    Golden-tressed Venus who visits every night.
 
	15  The stars are my mania
	16  My muse is Urania
	17  Bewitched by Titania
	18  I can't sleep at night
	    Can't sleep at night
	    I'm up all night.

	19  Ah, but what pleasure
	20  I get full measure
	21  Heavenly bodies
	22  Mine for delight.

	19, 21, 22
	5-8
	19-22
	9-14
	19-22
	Heavely bodies
	Mine for delight
	All seven Pleiades
	Mine for delight
	Mine for delight
	Mine for delight
	Mine for delight!

S. Y. G.: Oh yes, I understand you!  (Goes to embrace him.  
She swoons in his arms, while he gazes off into the sky, 
imagining some view or other.)

Mayor (who has been watching this scene for some time):
     Please, sir.  This kind of activity is not acceptable.

Don Juan and SYG (together): Why not?

Mayor: There are laws about this kind of thing.

Don Juan: Laws? Indeed, sir, there are.  (Drops semi-swooned 
girl absent-mindedly on the ground.) If two bodies should 
meet, one must let meteorite chips fall where they may.  Let 
me introduce myself.  I am Don Juan Capistrano.  

Mayor:  I am Don Vaselinio, Mayor of Barcelona.  Welcome to 
our city, where you will find...(Sees priest.) Quick!  Here 
comes the Padre! (To Gypsy) You.  Come with me. (Mayor and 
girl run off.)

O'Ryan: Top of the mornin' to you.

Don Juan: Beunos dias, Padre.

O'Ryan: Please, call me Father.

Don Juan:  All right, Padre Father.  But if you had known my 
father, I don't think you would feel comfortable being called 
by that title.  You may call me Don Juan.  (They shake hands 
or bow.)  Perhaps you can tell me.  Why does everyone seem so 
strained and rather scared.  I remember this as a town filled 
with joyous abandon.

O'Ryan:  Yes, by gum and by gosh.  It would take a miracle 
for everyone to feel that joy again.  But the Cardinal ... 
has outlawed miracles.

Don Juan:  Oh!

O'Ryan:  It must have been a long time since you were last 
here.

Don Juan: Barcelona is the city of my birth, to which I am 
returning after a long journey.  This is to be the stage for 
a grandiose celestial phenomenon.  You see, as far as I can 
calculate, we are due for a total eclipse in three days time.  
While that is not a miracle, per se, it might just perk 
everyone up a bit. 

O'Ryan: Please, please.  You shouldn't mention such things.  
How could you possibly know about that.  Quiet! (Looks over 
shoulder nervously.)

Don Juan: Seriously, I tell you that 11 days ago I observed 
the moon half enter the Earth's shadow, in line with my 
predictions.  Those same calculations tell me it is 
Barcelona's turn for a solar eclipse in three days.

O'Ryan:  Don Juan, you musn't... 

(Thunder and lightning begins to happen.)

(Out of the cathedral door comes Imbroglio, the Inquisitor, 
wearing a long red cloak.  Unseen for now, on his back is a 
big yellow Happy Face, and the message, "Have a nice day." He
sings a recitative a la Phantom of the Opera [intro. to Music 
of the Night]):

Cardinal Imbroglio's Wretched-tative

      I have come here
      For one purpose and one alone -
      That the people,
      The people, 
      Succumb to my power,
      My power.
  
      I shall find out
      If you're guilty of heresy.
      I shall watch you
      Each night and 
      Each day, every hour,
      Every hour.

(Sounds of thunder.  Flashes of lightning.  The people hiss.)

Imbroglio (looking around as lightning happens): Ooh, I 
haven't lost the touch.  This power, which was granted to me 
so generously by the late pontiff, Pope Not-So-Innocent XII,

O'Ryan: (Aside) Also known as Pope Guilty XII.

Imbroglio (continuing): does engender an awesome 
responsibility.  Saving people's souls, whether or not they 
like it, takes so much time.  But you know you've found the 
right job when you don't really mind the day to day grind of 
it.  Making sure no one is reading banned books, or (pause) 
playing banned instruments.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!  Listening 
to the endless groveling of people brought to my office.  And 
speaking of which, where is that assistant of mine?  Oh, 
padre?  Padre O'Ryan?  

O'Ryan:  (Comes running)  Please.  Call me Father, Your 
Grace. 

Imbroglio:  I will certainly not call you "Father Your 
Grace".  I am "Your Grace".  But, (pause) if you wish it, I 
shall call you "Padre Father".

O'Ryan:  Please, no "Padre."

Imbroglio:  I'm not the padre.  I'm the Cardinal.

O'Ryan: Indeed.

Imbroglio:  Indeed.  

O'Ryan:  Whatever.

Imbroglio: What's on the agenda for the afternoon, Padre 
Father?

O'Ryan:  Why, the Big Announcement, of course.

Imbroglio:  Of course.  How could I forget? 

O'Ryan:   Shall I summon the people?

Imbroglio:  By all means. 

(O'Ryan gets down on one knee and kisses the Cardinal's ring.  
He goes to the palace steps and tugs at the sleeve of one of 
the guards.  The guards raise brass instruments to their lips 
and play: Ta ta-ta-ta ta-ta-ta, etc. and work their way into 
a Strauss waltz. Out of the palace waltzes the Archduke, 
wearing his oversize, heavyweight-contender belt buckle, with 
the Duchess, and Mariposa in tow. By now everyone knows 
what's coming, and they await The Announcement.)

O'Ryan:  Attention.  The Cardinal would like to speak to you.

Imbroglio:  Thank you Padre Father.  (To crowd) I thank you 
in advance for your undevoted attention.  And thank you, 
Archduke Charles III of Austria, and Duchess Palomara, for 
taking time from your practicing to be here.

Duke:  You know, I was Viennese Waltz Champion of 1688.  We 
must keep in shape if I am to have a chance to capture the 
Spanish crown.  (They start dancing.)

Swaying to and fro (a la Blue Danube)

Duke: We sway to and fro     Duchess:  Sway to and fro
      We hop as we go                  Hop-hop and go
      Our arms are entwined            We are entwined
      It shows that you're mine        Dear God, he's mine
      My manliness shows               It shows, it shows
      As our dance it flows            We flow, we flow
Together: To waltz is divine
          When you're mine
          And we're swaying to and fro.

Duke: We turn to the right    Duchess: The right, all right
      And dance through the night      It's always night
      You gaze at my eyes              Your bloodshot eyes
      And they hypnotize               Hyp-hyp-notize
      My energy grows                  Don't let it grow
      And my love it shows             Well, something shows
Together: To waltz all the time
          Is divine
          And we're swaying to and fro.
Duke: Then we twirl and dip, then we dip and twirl
      As the music, oh, the music
      Takes us on around, on a merry-go-round
      As we swirl and twirl
      We find we're floating in the air.

Duchess: I get tired a bit.  When's the end of it?
         As the music, oh, the music
         It goes on and on, like a marathon.
         Will it never, ever, will it never, ever end?

Duke:    We slide and glide and slide 
         Then we stop and start again
         It makes me feel so free.
Duchess: Oh, it's never ending agony for me.
(Slower)
Duke:    We waltz all the time
Duchess: My life is unkind
Together: To waltz is divine
          When you're mine
          And we're swaying to and fro.

Imbroglio:  Yes, Archduke Charles, we know all about your 
endeavors.

Duke:  Please, as we are in Barcelona, it will be known that 
you will all call me Don Carlo.

Duchess (aside): More like Primo Don (pause) Carlo, His 
Jejune Magnificence.  He's been like this ever since he 
landed a role in that production of Der Lederhosenkavalier.  
Ah, but it's time for the Cardinal's announcement!

(The trumpeters sound some notes.  The timpani give a 
flourish.)

Imbroglio (sings, to melody from the beginning of second 
movement of Beethoven's 5th Symphony):
 
	When the 
	Moon's in the seventh
	House, and Jupi-
	ter aligns with Mars, we
	Mu-st come to
	Gri-ps with the
	Chances of a total
	E-clipse.

The crowd (shocked, but singing in harmony): 
	Total eclipse!
	Does this mean that,
	Mean that
	We're all going to die,
	Going to die,
	Going to die?

Imbroglio: Yes ...

The crowd (melodramatically): Argh!!

Imbroglio: There's going to be a total solar eclipse on the 
12th.

The crowd:  So?

Imbroglio: So, you never know what's going to happen.  
Consequently, if any of you have had naughty thoughts, I will 
gladly hear your confessions.  For a small contribution to 
the Church, I shall see to it that you are forgiven.  And I 
hope you will oblige me by telling me what other folks have 
been up to, so that when they confess, I am sure that their 
confessions are accurate. If business is good, and we have a 
backlog, perhaps we shall have to postpone the eclipse for a 
week or two.  Or, if the confessions keep rolling in, we 
might call off the eclipse altogether.


	(The Confessor song/When Irish eyes are smiling)

O'Ryan:  He loves to hear confessions.
	Confessions all day long.
	In the wake of good confessions
	You should hear the Cardinal's song.
	His questions make him happy --
	The more sins he hears all day.
	For he loves to hear confessions
	In that good old Inquisitor's way.

	The sin, if you have done it,
	That has naught to do at all.
	For the thoughts you might be thinking
	Are what really gets his gall.
	He thinks about the bad things
	All the things that one can do
	And he'll make you give a confession.
	He can force it right out of you.

Don Juan:  But I already knew that there was going to be an 
eclipse.

Crowd:  (Gasp!!)

Imbroglio (aside):  Impossible!  It's been a closely guarded 
secret.  One mustn't let the public know too much.  (To Don 
Juan)  And how did you find out?  Was it an Arian heretic?  
An Albigensian?  A bigamist?  A blasphemer?  A sorcerer?  A 
Satanist?  A Unitarian?

Don Juan:  I figured it out on my own.  I am Don Juan 
Capistrano.  (All the women sigh/squeal with delight at the 
sound of this name.  Don Juan looks somewhat confused.)  
Returning from a long journey to the Far East.  My father 
fashioned himself somewhat of an expert on heavenly bodies, 
and astronomy for me too has become a passion.

Women in the crowd:  Oh, such passion!  

A woman:  Legend has it that a certain Don Juan Capistrano 
lived here and (suggestively) thoroughly knew these parts.  
As I recall, he was a man with particular - ahem - 
astronomical dimensions.

Don Juan:  That would be my father, Don Juan Capistrano, 
Senior, Senora.   Alas, I must report to you that while we 
were on a visit to the Isles of Langerhans, he passed away.

Women in the crowd sigh deeply.

D. J.  While his will to live was as hard as granite,

Women in the crowd (interrupting):  That's not all!

Don Juan: of course, he was mortal like all of us.  Yet over 
the years, in our travels, he taught me everything he knew.

Women in the crowd:  Ah, like father, like son.

A woman: I wonder if he will try to mount Palomara.

Duke:  (loudly, jealously, aside) I heard that.

Duchess: (coyly, aside) Mount Palomar - perhaps that will be 
the site of some serious astronomical action someday.  (Gazes 
at astronomer as harp music begins to play.)

Don Juan:  Consequently, (pause) I can tell you that this 
eclipse business is not as complex as you might imagine.  The 
basic rule is this:  If a total solar eclipse happens on a 
given day at a particular time, then 223 new moons later, or 
6585 and 1/3 days, there will be another total solar eclipse.  
This amounts to 18 years, 11 1/3 days, give or take a leap 
day.  

Imbrolgio (To O'Ryan) Good thing the people are too stupid to 
understand any of what he's just said.

The whole crowd (in unison, with conviction):  If a total 
solar eclipse happens on a given day at a particular time, 
then 223 new moons later, or 6585 and 1/3 days, there will be 
another total solar eclipse.  This amounts to 18 years, 11 
1/3 days, give or take a leap day.  

Don Juan: I was near Peking on April 30, 1688, where we 
observed a near-total eclipse.  It was total just a couple 
hundred miles to the west of the Imperial City.  The Chinese 
seemed to think that all their banging and clanging kept it 
from being total at the capital.

Duke: What is the significance of this 1/3 of a day that you 
mentioned?

Don Juan:  It means that each subsequent eclipse is observed 
one-third of the way around the world, to the west.  Last 
time, 18 years ago - China. This time - Europe.  Next time, 
18 years from now - North America.

The crowd: Last time - China.  This week - Barcelona.

Don Juan: Yes, you've got it!

The crowd (sings, a la Gianni Schicchi):

	Barcelona, so heavenly created.
	For this eclipse so smartly situated.

Imbroglio:  What a bunch of Barcelunatics!  (sings, or 
accompanied by music like the "shark music" from Jaws)

	While they're concerned
	With cycles of lunations
	I must address my Inquisitional obligations.
	They should be more concerned
	With their transgressions,
	While Sun and Moon glide on in their progressions.

(with impatience): Come, padre.  We must plan our 
next move.

O'Ryan:  Please, call me Father O'Ryan.

Imbroglio:  OK, Father Padre.  (They exit.)

Don Juan (to Mariposa):  So all you have to do is keep good 
records of where eclipses have been seen, and you can use the 
18 year rule to predict when other solar eclipses will be 
visible, keeping in mind the significance of that 1/3 of a 
day.

Duchess:  You can do a lot in 1/3 of a day.

Don Juan (to Mariposa): Yes, you certainly can.  

Senorita Mariposa: But won't the eclipse give us temporary 
nighttime?

Don Juan:  Yes.

Mariposa:  But nighttime (sighs) can be so lonely. This 1/3 
of a day gives a darkness not all of us may welcome.         
(sings, after Un bel di, from Madame Butterfly):

	One third of a day
	Says where Moon 
	Hides Sun away.
	My soul too shall be bleak and grey
	Three days hence
	On the twelfth of May.

	As the Sun gives us its light,
	It's love gives us our life.
	But unseen comes orb of night.
	Oh shadow, plague, and blight!
	[Release the Sun, my only friend].

	Let my young heart be calm [once again soon].
	I beg you.  No starlight, I beg you!
	It reminds me I'm alone always at night.
	Surely in the [world's vast blue ocean of people]
	There's one for me, to love and
	Keep me warm every night.  [Now repeat opening 
                            theme of aria]

	My life will fade away
	If my soul remains in disarray.
	Take not from us our Sun, I pray
	Three days hence
	On the twelfth of May.

Duchess:   Staying warm at night isn't everything it's 
cracked up to be.  You could end up with someone who sweats 
like a champion wrestler.

Duke: Champion - that's what I'll be if I can wrestle the 
Spanish crown away from that Philistine, Philip V.  (We hear 
waltz music...)  Come, dear, they're playing our song.

Duchess (being waltzed away, with Mariposa following, calls 
over her shoulder to astronomer):  I want to speak to you 
some more about this eclipse.  (They exit, singing a reprise 
of their waltz song.)

Don Juan:  By all means.  (Pause)  Well, I'm really overdue 
for lunch.  And I must find myself an inn.  What with an 
eclipse happening Barcelona is sure to be innundated with 
tourists, and rooms may only be available at an astronomical 
price! 

(As act ends, the music could be from Rossini's William Tell 
Overture.)


	Act I - Scene 2: In the cathedral, two days later

(The bottom of a giant crucifix is visible.  Christ on the 
cross is so big that only the feet are showing.  The entre 
act music could be "How beautiful are the feet" from part 3 
of Handel's Messiah.)

Imbroglio: How are the confessions going?

O'Ryan: Not nearly as numerous, or detailed, as we had hoped.

Imbroglio: And donations?

O'Ryan:  We've received a little over 200 pesos since your 
announcement of the eclipse.

Imbroglio: That's all?  

O'Ryan:  Yes.  It must be this astronomer fellow's doing.  
He's definitely bad for business.

Imbroglio: Imagine!  Cluing in the populace on the secret of 
eclipse prediction.  Next he'll be telling them how to 
determine longitude accurately at sea, making sailing much 
safer, and they won't need our prayers as much.  We'll have 
to head this off at the next orbital pass.  Is there any dirt 
we can dig up on him?

O'Ryan: Not much dirt to be had.  Some dust, a few cobwebs 
maybe.  

Imbroglio:  We could drag up some old dirt about his father, 
Don Juan Capistrano, Senior, Monsignor [mon Senor?].  Guilt 
by association is better than no guilt at all...

O'Ryan: (After a pause) Come to think of it, we may not have 
to dig too deep after all.  Did you happen to notice the way 
Donna Palomara looked at the astronomer?  I'll bet the 
Archduke noticed it too, and you know how jealous he can be!  

Imbroglio: That's it!  (Sounding official) In the interests 
of State security - (matter of factly) preserving the 
Archduke's happy home and keeping the reigns on astronomical 
secrets - (conspiratorially) we shall catch this astronomer 
in a comprising situation with the Duchess.  Yes! We'll catch 
them in flagrante corpus delicti. As the Duke might say, 
we'll lay a body block down in front of their plans.

O'Ryan: A celestial body block, (pause) so to speak.

(They sing a duet based on a simplified version of Liszt's 
2nd Hungarian Rhapsody.)

Imbroglio:  O'Ryan.
O'Ryan:     Your Grace.
Imbroglio:  Father O'Ryan.
O'Ryan:     Your Grace.
Imbroglio:  Our plan is fine.
O'Ryan:     Your Grace.
Imbroglio:  Our stars will shine.
O'Ryan:     He'll lose face.

Both:       We'll find them
            And show the Duke just what a fool
            He's meant to be.
            We'll find them
            And show the Duke that things are
            Just what they seem to be.
Imbroglio:  We'll trap them.
            Don Juan will not suspect a thing.
            We'll get him!  Ah, hah, hah
              [embellished scale here?]
Both:       We'll catch him
            And he'll tell no more secrets 
            Of the stars above.
Imbroglio:  We'll catch them.
            The Duchess will not have her own secret love.

O'Ryan:     Don Juan will no more plague you
            Cause you worry, pain, and ague.
Imbroglio:  No more wordy demonstrations
            To enumerate lunations.
O'Ryan:     We'll foster more confessions
            Thanks to their own indiscretions.
Imbroglio:  Deep water's what they'll plunge in.
            Don Juan's headed for the dungeon.

Both:       [forte] ||: We've got him now.
O'Ryan:     I say!
Imbroglio:  And how!
Both:       This afternoon. 
            Yes! Pretty soon.
            We've planned it out.
            We'll take such pains.
            Don Juan, today, we cast in chains! :||
            [repeat last lines piano]

            [allegro vivace] 
            The jig is up.
            We are so clever.
            Their romance
            We gladly sever.
            Don and Duchess,
            Naughty sinners.
            Duke and righteousness - the winners!

            His goose is cooked,
            This Capistrano.
            Soon he's Don Juan Parmigiano.
            Teaching here without permission.
            Jailed by the Inquisition.

            [in harmony] We've ... got ... him!
            
 

	Act I - Scene 3: The Palace Courtyard

The Duke and Cardinal Imbroglio enter.

Duke: You're right, Cardinal Imbroglio.  I have noticed a 
change in Donna Palomara's attitude the past couple days.  
She hardly feels like waltzing with me.  She's off rhythm.  I 
think perhaps it's this anxiety brought on by the upcoming 
eclipse.

Imbroglio: May I make an alternative suggestion?  I think 
perhaps she has fallen in love with this astronomer, this Don 
Juan Capistrano. 

Duke: (aghast) That wimp?  (Making wrestling motions) I 
could out-waltz him in nothing flat. (Pause) I knew it would 
come to this.  The women around here.  Every time somebody 
new shows up in town, they want to test the waters.  It was 
only a matter of time before Palomara followed suit.  The 
astronomer!  I should have known.  Never trust a man who has 
had first hand experience with heavenly bodies.

Imbroglio: Given his father's reputation, and how things tend 
to run in families, it's hard to say what might be going on.  
But it's no use accusing her without some evidence.  We have 
to catch them in the act.  

Duke:  Here comes someone!

Imbroglio: Quick!  Behind here.  (They hide behind a wall or 
tree. Mariposa enters and sits on a bench.)

(Don Juan enters the garden, to the strains of music from The 
Marriage of Figaro, measuring the elevation of the Sun with 
his astrolabe. Though the lights are on, a yellow spotlight 
gives D. J. something to aim at.)

Don Juan (to Mariposa): Oh, it is you.  What are you doing 
out here alone in the garden?  (He becomes excited to have 
found her alone.)

Mariposa:  (Coyly) The Duchess disapproves, but I do so much 
enjoy observing the heavens.  (Don Juan reacts as if he's 
really found his soul mate.)  Don Juan, do tell me more about 
your father and his interest in heavenly bodies.  And tell 
me, is there any significance to this solar eclipse that is 
to happen?

D. J.: My father (he sits) - may God rest his soul! - took me 
on a voyage to China, where, 18 years and several days ago we 
witnessed a near-total eclipse in Peking.  The Chinese, you 
see, have been adept at predicting such things for centuries.  
Not to be accurate could be hazardous, if you happen to be 
employed by the Emperor for such purpose.  Nearly four 
millennia ago two court astrologers

Mariposa: Not astronomers?

D. J.: No.  Until about a century ago you couldn't tell them  
apart.  But after Kepler and Galileo, well...

Mariposa:  Oh, yes.  I know.  Nowadays they're easy to tell 
apart. (Rearranging Don Juan's hat flirtatiously.) An 
astronomer wears his hat with the feather on the left, while 
an astrologer wears his hat with a feather on the right.

D. J.:  Senorita, dealing with heavenly bodies -- while 
exciting -- can sometimes be a very serious affair.  Two 
ancient Chinese court astrologers who failed to predict a 
partial solar eclipse were executed.  The Babylonians, about 
seven centuries B. C., discovered the 18 year rule I told you 
about the other day.  That made eclipse prediction a 
reasonably easy matter, as long as you have good records from 
the past.

Mariposa:  Oh, yes.  This week we're having an eclipse here.  
223 moons ago the eclipse was...

Don Juan: In China, where I observed it with my father.

Mariposa:  And 223 moons from now it will be...

Don Juan: One third of the way around the world to the west.

Mariposa: So eclipse prediction is an easy thing to learn.

Don Juan: (Suggestively) Yes, like many human endeavors, once 
you know how, you never forget.

Mariposa: (Eluding his grasp) Now wait a minute.  If an 
eclipse is just a natural event...

Don Juan:  (Suggestively) Yes, what could be more natural?

Mariposa:  But one must err on the side of caution.  The many 
bad myths related to eclipses must be some kind of warning.  

Don Juan:  You mean, all the snarling dogs, hungry snakes, 
and ferocious dragons eating the Sun, or poison raining from 
the sky?

Mariposa:  Indeed.

Don Juan:  To think of it positively -- that's tradition.  To 
look at it squarely -- it's ignorance.

Mariposa:  Oh, then there's nothing to be afaid of?

Don Juan:  Having survived solar and lunar eclipses, I am 
living proof that you need not fear any snakes.  (Three heads 
pop up from the bushes.  Mariposa and Don Juan  Gesturing to 
the sky.) Imagine a day, as they call it, when the day dawns 
twice.  For the Sun rises, but then the Moon begins to cover 
it up slowly.    During totality the stars come out in the 
middle of the day!  The Moon is crowned by the brilliant glow 
of the Sun.  Hence the word corona.  On an archipelago far 
away some not so primitive people consider an eclipse to be 
the Sun and Moon making love, and by their lovemaking the 
stars are created.

Mariposa:  (Somewhat convinced) Ah, the joys of love for all 
to experience.

(They sing a duet from Mozart's The Magic Flute, sung in the 
original by Pamina and Papageno.  The original has the 
refrain "Man and wife", while here we have "Moon and Sun".)

Mariposa:  The Sun in the sky will soon be hidden.
           The Moon will transform the day into night.
D. J.:     The steeds of Apollo are cautiously driven.
           The stars come out.  What a glorious sight!
Both:      The orb of night is crowned above.
           We shall behold celestial love.
           We shall behold celestial love.

Mariposa:  Astronomer, dear, my senses are heightened.
           But won't it cause the people alarm?
D. J.:     The darkening sky leaves many frightened.
           But no one will come to harm.
Both:      The grand event takes place at noon.
           No greater sight than Sun and Moon.
           No greater sight than Sun and Moon.
           Moon and Sun, and Sun and Moon.
           Moon and Sun, and Sun and Moon.
           Bring the joys of night at noon.
           Moon and Sun, and Sun and Moon.
           Bring the joys of night at noon.
           Bring such joys at noon.
           Bring such joys at noon.

(Don Juan is about to kiss Mariposa.  But the Duchess calls 
from off stage.)

Duchess:  Oh, Don Juan!

Mariposa (to Don Juan): I must hide.  (Spreads her fan out 
in one rapid movement between her face and Don Juan's.  Goes 
behind yet another tree.)

Duchess (entering downstage right):  We are alone at last.

Don Juan: (meeting the Duchess downstage right) But why are 
you not practicing your waltzing?

Duchess: Waltzing?!  All day long 1-2-3, 1-2-3.  Day after 
day 1-2-3, 1-2-3.  Some day I would like to get to 4.  
(Suggestively) I am really hot to foxtrot.  (Hearing this, 
the Duke, in hiding, pops his head out and is clearly angry.)

Don Juan: (Being backed up by the Duchess toward the bench at 
stage center) Well, I may be a star-lover, but I'm not a 
dancer.

Duchess: (Getting very close to Don Juan) But what were you 
doing so secretly here in the garden a minute ago?

Don Juan:  (Picks up astrolabe) I was just measuring the Sun.

Duchess (Wanting to look through astrolabe.) Oh, how 
exciting.  May I look? I've always wanted to get my hands on 
an instrument such as yours. (She puts at least an arm around 
Don Juan and discovers that he also has an extendable 
spyglass, concealed.):  Oh, but what is this?  (Taking out 
telescope and holding it vertically.) An adorable short 
telescope.

Don Juan (Setting down astrolabe and getting one hand on the 
telescope, which Duchess still clutches):  Yes, that's mine 
all right.

Duchess:  (extending telescope to maximum length, 
suggestively) I suppose you've thrilled the ladies in half 
the capitals of Europe with this.

(The Duke bursts out from his hiding place, followed by the 
Inquisitor.)

Duke: I have heard enough!

Imbroglio:  Don Juan, how do you explain this little romantic 
interlude? 

D. J. : (turning around with extended telescope) Romantic?! 
We were discussing the instruments of my trade.

Duke:  Trade, indeed!  (Collapsing telescope with disgust, 
using one extended finger.)

Duchess:  He has done nothing.  (Dissonant harp music or sad 
violin music sounds.)

Imbroglio: The wages of sin!  Don Juan, in the interests of 
State security - threatening the happiness of the Royal 
couple, and for divulging too much astronomy to the unwitting 
populace - we have no choice.  It's the dungeon for you.  
Guards, seize him!  [The palace guards enter, taking hold of 
Don Juan, one on each arm.]

D. J. : Dungeon! But tomorrow is the eclipse.  I have 
traveled so far just to see this eclipse.

Imbroglio:  Don't worry.  We'll give you a room with a view.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!  (They all exit)


(As Don Juan is being led out, the music should be from 
Chopin's Funeral March sonata.)


				End of Act I

 
				   Act 2

		Act 2 - Scene 1: The Dungeon, eclipse day

Don Juan is chained to the wall of the Dungeon. He is lit by 
a spot, which is the Sun coming in a small window on the 
opposite wall.  There is a small table, with a metal plate 
and some food on it.  The lights go up, so that we can see 
what's happening.  The Duke, Imbroglio, and O'Ryan are 
lecturing Don Juan.

Imbroglio:  We thought this would be the most appropriate 
cell for you, Don Juan.  As the partial phases of the eclipse 
progress, we figured that you, (sarcastically) experienced 
astronomer that you are, could not keep your eyes off the 
ever-narrowing crescent of sunlight.  An hour of that and

Duke: He'll be blind.  By the time totality happens, he won't 
be able to see a thing.  

O'Ryan:  While it will be dark for us for four minutes, it 
will be dark for Don Juan forever.

Duke: Adios, Don Juan.

Imbroglio (sings, a la Gianni Schicchi):

	Don Juan Capistrano, please don't think me jaded.
	We'll leave you here transfixed, with eyes unshaded.

(Imbroglio and the Duke exit, leaving O'Ryan.)

Don Juan: How things have changed in Barcelona since I was a 
boy here.  Since when is it a crime to teach astronomy? 
 
O'Ryan:  Don Juan, you know that modern eclipse prediction 
depends on Newton's laws, which in turn rest on Copernicus' 
reordering of the solar system. But the Copernican theory is   
officially suspect.  Books based on Copernicus have been on 
the Index of Prohibited Books for a century.  And you see 
that the Cardinal is the true power in this city.

Don Juan: Padre, in the interests of justice, would you be 
willing to do me a favor?

O'Ryan: Perhaps.

Don Juan: Please go to the Mayor, as he is a true Spaniard 
and native son - not a waltzing Duke from who knows where. 
(Pause) The mayor must grant my request for a fair trial. 

O'Ryan: The situation is almost hopeless.  Once a person is 
in jail, he might as well admit he's guilty, for that's the 
likely verdict.  (Pause)  I will talk to the Mayor, my son.  
But don't hope for too much. (Exits)

(The lights dim.  The eclipse is in progress.  A yellow 
crescent shines on the dungeon wall.)

Don Juan (very briefly glimpsing the Sun, then turning away):

The eclipse is in progress.  I must not look until it's 
total.  (Pause. Sighs.)  

(Sings aria from Handel's oratorio Samson and Delilah):

	Total eclipse!
	No Sun, no moon, all dark,
	All dark amidst the blaze of moon!
	Oh glorious light!  No cheering ray,
	To glad my eyes with welcome day!
	Total eclipse!  
	No Sun, no moon, all dark,
	All dark amidst the blaze of moon!
	Why thus depriv'd, Thy prime decree?
	Sun, moon and stars 
	Are dark to me.  (etc.)
	(A thin crescent Sun still shines on the wall.  A cleaning 
	lady enters, sweeping.  She has a big key ring hanging by her 
	belt.)

Cleaning lady (looking up at Don Juan): You lucky bastard!

Don Juan: What?

Cleaning lady: Here you are, hanging around all day, doing 
nothing.  (Picks up metal plate with some glop in it.) Three 
meals a day.  Whilst I work my fingers to the bone cleaning 
up after all of you in this palace.

Don Juan:  But this is the dungeon.

Cleaning lady (looking around): Oh, so it is. It looks all 
the same to me.  But you're no help.  I bet you wouldn't even 
lift your feet so I could sweep under them.  As if it isn't 
hard enough doing a proper job in a place this dark.

Don Juan: It's dark because there's a solar eclipse in 
progress.

Cleaning lady:  Oh, yes.  I almost forgot. (Takes out a pair 
of welding goggles.  She puts them on and looks up at the 
Sun.)  Yes, there it is.

Don Juan: What are you doing?  You'll go blind.

Cleaning lady:  No I won't.  I got these goggles from a 
blacksmith.  With these it's not painful at all looking at 
the full Sun, or the partially eclipsed Sun.  (Takes off 
goggles)  Say, aren't you that astronomer fellow that arrived 
a few days ago?

Don Juan: Yes.

Cleaning lady:  Well, you certainly are in a bad situation.  
(Jangles the keys.) Maybe I could help you.


			How Can I Help You?
			(Based on "O Sole Mio")

	It makes me happy to help someone in trouble.
	You never know when you're needed on the double.
	The Cardinal's orders have smashed your life to rubble.
	And what is this? Your chin is covered with stubble.

	If I could help you - I'll tell you true -
	But I've no time now. I've things to do.
	Perhaps some help one day you'll see.
	Perhaps some day they'll cut you free.
		
	How could I help you?  What could you be lacking?
	You have your own room and yummy things for snacking.
	No chores to tire you, no boss with his whip cracking.
	I really envy you, so stop your whiny yacking.

	How can I help you?  How to ease your pains?
	Shall I close the window?  Polish your chains?
	I'm here to make things nicer.
	So I'll sweep the floors and clean the drains.

Don Juan: If only it were possible for you to help me.

Cleaning lady: (Puts goggles on Don Juan.)  There.  How's 
that?

Don Juan: (sighs, with irony) Oh, much better.

Cleaning lady: Just give me a little yell when totality 
begins, and I'll come take the goggles off. (Exits)

Don Juan:  (Sadly) Muchas gracias. (Long pause) Well, at 
least I won't go blind.

(Senorita Mariposa, who has been there all along, comes into 
the light.)

Mariposa: (In a whisper) Don Juan?

Don Juan: Who is it?

Mariposa: It is Mariposa, the Duchess's lady in waiting.

Don Juan: You shouldn't be here.

Mariposa: I know.  (Pause) But I see that the cleaning lady 
loaned you her last pair of eclipse goggles. Since I don't 
have any, I'll stay here with you.  (She goes up to Don 
Juan.)

Don Juan:  What?!  Oh, the eclipse!  It's almost total.  
We're very close.

Mariposa: (getting cheek to cheek) How close are we?

Don Juan: Very close.  (Pause.) Closer. 

Mariposa:  Oh, yes.  Closer.

Don Juan:  So close. (Pause. She is about to kiss him.) It's 
total!

Mariposa takes off the goggles.  They see each other in the 
dim light, quickly look up to the Sun, at each other, then 
back at the Sun, cheek to cheek.

Both: This is it!

(Lights out.)

		Act 2, Scene 2 - The city square

The stage can be almost bare, except for the facade of the 
palace.

It is a couple minutes before the onset of totality.  The 
crescent Sun, projected on the stage, is not-so-brightly 
illuminating Barcelona.  People are walking along shading 
their eyes. 

At the onset of totality, the lighting changes remarkably, 
perhaps to light blue (like the color of medium-twilight) or 
light green.  We hear a sound, like metallic chimes or harp 
music.  People look up at the totally eclipsed Sun.  There 
follows a duet - slow to convey the sense of warped time 
experienced during totality - of length 4-5 minutes.  There 
should be a female dancer ("The Moon") and a male character 
("The Sun").  At the end, there is a crescent Sun with the 
horns pointing the other way.

Suggested music: Faure's Pavane. 

			Act 2, Scene 3 - The city square

A yellow-white spot, representing the now completely 
uncovered Sun, shines on the stage.  It fades out, and the 
"normal" town activities resume.  Everything is as it was at 
the beginning of Act 1, Scene 1.  The Mayor is to address the 
town.  He nods to the palace guards, who trumpet the 
townspeople to attention, with [what else?] a waltz, 
bringing, of course, the Duke and Duchess waltzing in, 
without Mariposa.  The Cardinal follows shortly, from 
downstage left, with O'Ryan behind him.  From downstage right 
comes Don Juan in chains, being led by a guard, and being 
followed by Mariposa. Don Juan is made to stand on a platform 
upstage center. 

Mayor: (sings)
  
	On this day,
	This glo-[going off the bottom of the scale]rious day
	I really hate to mention,
	But must bring to your attention,
	A dose of harsh reality
	And a legal technicality,
	Related to the tale
	Of one presently in jail.

Duke: (feigning ignorance, while Duchess is in anguish to 
harp music) And who might that be?

Mayor: Don Juan Capistrano.  

The crowd: (rather dissonantly) Don Juan Capistrano!

Mayor: He has been accused... Cardinal, suppose you tell us?  
Of what?

Imbroglio:  His chief crime is ... acting in a sinful and 
depraved manner in the presence of the Duchess.

The crowd:  (aghast) No!!

Imbroglio:  Amongst his crimes are ... acting in a sinful and 
depraved manner.  Teaching heretical astronomy without a 
license.

The crowd:  So?!

Imbroglio:  The Copernican theory has been officially suspect 
since the edict [concocted ... or rather,] issued against 
Galileo in 1616.  Books that advocate Copernicanism are on 
the Index of Prohibited Books.  And Copernicus' book, to be 
used at all, must have amendments approved by the 
Inquisition.  Don Juan Capistrano's eclipse predictions are 
based on Copernicus' book.  He told me so himself. I have 
seen his copy.  It is the hardback edition of 1543, not the 
new paperback edition with the corrections, so we must 
naturally suspect that ...

The crowd:  Well, that's different.

Imbroglio: Included in his criminal activities are ... being 
depraved and sinful, teaching astronomy, and the seduction of 
a virtuous young woman.

Duchess: (righteously jealous and indignant) Who?!

Imbroglio: Why, Senorita Mariposa.  She spent the night with 
him. 

The crowd begins chanting Death to Don Juan!.  The Duchess 
paces back and forth madly, no longer "in love" with Don 
Juan.  The Duke and Cardinal congratulate themselves on their 
victory.  

Imbroglio:  (Aside) "He needs a flameproof suit who plays a 
hand of poker with theocracy."  [from de Santillana, p. 253]
What we have here is (pointing to Duke and Duchess) a King, a 
Queen, and (to Don Juan) a joker.  Ha, ha, ha!

(Crowd song/tenor and soprano solos, based on "Libiamo, ne' 
lieti calici", from La Traviata.  The Cardinal is 
"conducting". )

Imbroglio: Don Juan,
           What you've done, what you've done!
           How you've blundered.
           Your days in Barcelona certainly are numbered.
           Don Juan,
           What you've done, what you've done!
           Take my word.
Don Juan:  What I've done, called a crime, certainly's absurd

Imbrolgio: You'll wish you had a chance to make amends.
           Too bad in high places you have no friends.
           (Stroking Don Juan's head)
           Your head is crowned with hair so fine and wispy.
           (Conjuring up a big flame)
           Too bad it soon will all be charred and crispy!
           (Ha, ha, ha, ha!)
           Don Juan, 
           What you've done, what you've done!
           Say your prayers!
           The law's wrath falls on him who errs.

Men in crowd: The law's wrath falls on him who errs.
              The law's wrath falls on him who errs.

Duchess:   Don Juan,
           What you've done, what you've done!
           I deduce:
           Mariposa (in spite of your arrest), you did seduce
           Don Juan,
           Is it true? Is it true?  Can it be?
Mariposa:  To be frank, Don Juan Capistrano rather loves me.

Duchess:   The two of you are certainly in a mess.
           We'll all hear eagerly what you'll confess.
(To Judge) Dear Judge, the town will fervently thank ye
(Pointing) To punish those for playing hanky panky.
           Don Juan,
           What you've done, what you've done!
           Can't you see?
           You'd be much better off had you chosen me!

Women in crowd: You'd be much better off had you chosen me!
                You'd be much better off had you chosen me!

Mayor: (The Mayor is getting impatient and feels he must butt 
in.) Are you done yet?  (Pause) Friends and noted 
dignitaries! As I said earlier, there is a legal technicality 
of importance, upon which I must elaborate.  These crimes, of 
which the accused has been ... accused, are civil matters.

(The crowd erupts with more from La Traviata.)
Crowd, Imbroglio, and Duchess:
           Don Juan,
           What you've done, what you've done!
           How you've blundered.
           Your days in Barcelona certainly are numbered.
           Don Juan,
           What you've done, why, your crimes are perverse!
           Your affairs presently are bad
           And are getting worse.
           Worse, worse
           Your affairs now are worse.
           Worse, worse
           Your affairs now are worse.
           They're worse!

Imbroglio: OK, enough! (Aside) The Mayor is trying to steal 
my thunder.  This will simply not do. (To Mayor and crowd) 
These crimes come under my jurisdiction!  The edicts of the  
Council of Trent clearly stipulate what comes under 
ecclesiastical authority.

Duke: And barring that, I am the highest civil authority in 
Catalonia.

Imbroglio: Maybe so, but I am the highest authority.

Duke: I am the highest authority.

Imbroglio:  No you're not.

Duke: Oh, yeah?  (They make sparring-like motions and make 
ready to wrestle.)

Mayor: Your Grace, Your Highness.  I beg to differ.  These 
crimes - being depraved, teaching without a license, 
seduction - are under civil jurisdiction, as stipulated by 
the Liebeslieder Edicts of 1387.  And the standard Catalonian 
Code (holds up big gold-lettered book)of 1675 clearly states 
that anyone accused of such crimes may not be tried by a 
judge born somewhere other than Catalonia.  Don Carlo, or 
shall I say Archduke Charles III, you are from Vienna. (Duke 
and Imbroglio back off.) Well, there you have it.  (Mayor 
dons judicial robe.) We proceed, in accord with all proper 
regulations in effect in Barcelona. But don't worry.  This 
court deals very severely with unlicensed seducers.  Bring 
out the witness stand. (Someone brings out judge's desk, 
gavel, and The Witness Stand. Mayor sits at the table.)  As 
the first witness, I call Father O'Ryan.

Mayor: Do you hereby swear to tell the truth, the whole 
truth, and nothing but the truth.

O'Ryan: Of course.  (sits)

Mayor: Be seated.  Now how long ago did you first meet the 
accused?

O'Ryan:  Three days ago.

Mayor:  And did you discuss the subject of eclipses with him?

O'Ryan: Indeed.  He told me that he had observed a partial 
lunar eclipse two weeks ago.  

Mayor: Did Don Juan tell you how these calculations were 
made?

O'Ryan: It doesn't seem to have been on the basis of 
Ptolemy's knowledge of the solar system. 

Mayor: For the record, please elaborate.

(While the following is going on, have a "game show girl" 
flip over a sequence of poster boards illustrating such 
things as: 1) Epicycles and deferents; 2) Equants; 3) 
Copernccus' arrangement of the solar system; 4) Kepler's 1st 
or 2nd Law.)

O'Ryan: In 150 A. D. Claudius Ptolemy fixed the Earth as the 
center of the universe.  The Ptolemaic system is indeed quite 
complex.  As King Alfonso X, the 13th century Spanish patron 
of astronomy said, had he been consulted in the creation of 
the universe, things would have been arranged in a much 
better way.

Mayor: Then what about the Copernican theory, placing the Sun 
at the center of the solar system?

Imbroglio (interrupting): You mean the Copernican hypothesis, 
which is subject to the charge of heresy!  (Completely loses 
his cool, something which the townspeople can't help but 
notice.) Did we not roast Giordano Bruno at the stake in 
1600?  In 1632, was not Galileo ordered to be silent on this 
subject?  Is not Church authority supreme in all matters?  
(Jumping up and down in a temper tantrum.)  And here in 
Barcelona, am I not the highest authority?!

Mayor: Please, Cardinal, you are out of order.  But if he is 
found guilty on all charges, I will let you be the first to 
strike the match to toss on his kindling. (To O'Ryan) The 
Copernican hypothesis, if you will.

O'Ryan:  Copernicus placed the Sun at the center of the 
universe.  [He writes, "The Sun sits as upon a royal throne 
ruling his children the planets which circle around him."]  
This led to Kepler's laws of planetary motion and Newton's 
new theory of gravity.  All of this is a great improvement 
over Ptolemy.

Mayor: So once the theory is perfected, we know exactly where 
to go to see an eclipse.

O'Ryan: Not quite.  We need accurate observations.  I have 
recently read in the latest issue of the Astronomical 
Hindquarterly that these observations are only now being 
undertaken at Paris and Greenwich by Monsieur Cassini and Mr. 
Flamsteed.

Imbroglio (interrupting): You're not supposed to know about 
any of this!  Have you been sneaking off to look at my 
collection of prohibited material?!

Mayor: Cardinal, you are out of order.  Thank you, Padre 
Father.  You may step down.  (O'Ryan leaves the witness 
stand.)  As the next witness I call Duchess Palomara.  (She 
takes the stand reluctantly) Raise your right hand.  (She 
does.) Do you swear, etc. etc.?

Duchess: Swear? Swear? I swear on the grave of my sainted 
mother.  I swear on the Hapsburgian lip.  I swear to the high 
heavens to be my witness that I was treated in a manner to 
which I did not wish to become accustomed to.  The insult to 
my person will not be overcome easily.  It will take years to 
get over this slight to my femininity.  This crushing of my 
sensitive spirit will cause me many sleepless nights.  
Tossing and turning.  Turning and tossing.  I swear... I 
swear to get my revenge on this ... this... sostromoner.  

Don Juan:  That's "astronomer".

Duchess: Whatever.  Do I swear?  (angrily) I swear.  Rupuze! 
[Note: this is pronounced as rrroo-poo'-zhe, with emphasis on 
second syllable.]

Duke (noting that the Duchess has lost her cool):  That's 
Lithuanian for toad.]  

Duchess: "Codfish with a mustache!"  How about Russian?

Don Juan (aside, to guard): Hell hath no fury like a woman 
who wants to be flirted with and isn't.

Mayor: (bangs gavel) No, Duchess.  Do you swear to tell the 
truth?

Duchess:  Oh.  That's different.  I suppose so. (she sits)

Mayor: Can you tell us what transpired between you and Don 
Juan in the palace garden?

Duchess: Well, he didn't want to sit close to me. So I sat 
close to him.  (She is getting excited and angry at the same 
time.) He didn't want to hold my hand.  So I held his hand.  
He didn't want to put his arm around my waist.  So I put my 
arms around him.  He didn't try to kiss me. Or pinch me.  Or 
caress me.  But he didn't protest very much when all of this 
wasn't going on.  (She shoots dagger-looks at Don Juan.)

Mayor: So we know what you didn't do.  What did you do?

Duchess: Well, we were attempting to make some observations 
with his astrolabe and his telescope.

Mayor: And was he acting in a depraved and sinful manner?

Duke:  I'll say he was!  (in imitative voice) "Would you like 
to see my telescope?  I'm sure you can make it longer." 
   This is too blatant even to be called a symbol.  Don 
Juan's intentions were clear.  

Mayor:  Don Carlo, you are out of order.  But thank you for 
the information.  Now Duchess, did Don Juan whip out his 
telescope and provoke you?

Duchess:  (Pause, answering sheepishly) Well, actually, I was 
trying to sight through his astrolabe when I discovered that 
he had a telescope as well. A moment later the Duke and the 
Cardinal rushed into the garden and Don Juan was arrested. 

Cardinal: This is all wasting time.  It's Don Juan that's on 
trial.

Mayor:  You're right.  (To Cardinal) But, Your Grace, so far 
we're not doing too well.  (To everyone) Let me remind you 
that the three charges brought against Don Juan are equally 
serious.  For now let us go on to the other two and return to 
this later.  (To Cardinal) Sorry.  (To Duchess) You may step 
down, Duchess.   (She does so.)  As the next witness I call 
Don Juan.  (He takes the stand.)  Do you swear to tell the 
truth, etc. etc.?

D. J.: I do.  (he sits)

Mayor:  Of the three charges brought against you, we have two 
left to address.  Let us turn to seduction.  Where were you 
at the time of this alleged seduction?

D.J.: Why, in the dungeon!

Mayor:  And did you actually kiss this young woman?

D.J.: I can't remember.  At first I couldn't see, then the 
eclipse was happening.  There was so much going on.

Mayor (holding open the big law book): As you may know, 
depending on the circumstances, in Barcelona it is a crime to 
kiss a woman.  But at other times it is considered a crime 
not to kiss a woman.  Your circumstances were certainly 
unusual, but we must know if you kissed her.

Mariposa (speaking up): He did not.

The crowd:  Ahah!

Mariposa:  But we did kiss!

The crowd:  Ahah!

Mariposa:  That's because I kissed him!

The crowd:  Ahah!

Mayor:  Mariposa, you are out of order.  But thank you for 
the information.  Now, Don Juan, are there any other details 
of this seduction scenario that we should know?

D.J.: Well, I was chained to the wall by both arms.

Mayor:  (looking at law book) You know, being so vulnerable 
drives some women wild.  Don Juan, you should have known 
better...  But (pointing to book) being kissed while at the 
same time being chained to a wall is not a crime in 
Barcelona.  Next time please be more careful as to where you 
get kissed - in the dungeon, or on the lips.

Imbroglio: But they spent the night together!

Mayor:  Oh, yes.  What do you have to say about this?

Don Juan: Spent the night together?

Imbroglio: (Triumphantly, certain that everyone should be 
shocked.)  Yes.

Don Juan:  But that night was only four minutes long!

Mayor: Ladies and gentleman!  Even an experienced seducer can 
only accomplish so much in such a short time! (Consulting law 
book) Here in the Catalonian code, in the seduction section, 
the term night is defined as the time between sunset and 
sunrise.  There is no mention of eclipses.

Imbroglio: If the stars are out, it must be nighttime.

Mayor: (To Cardinal) But if the sun is up, it must be 
daytime.  (Bangs gavel.) Temporarily overruled. I believe 
they were watching the eclipse together. Isn't that so?

Don Juan and Mariposa:  That's right.

Mayor:  I will rule on the seduction scenario later.  For now 
let's turn to the third accusation brought against you, Don 
Juan.  Teaching astronomy without a license.  Do you have a 
license to practice astronomy in Barcelona?

D.J.: No.

Mayor:  At last!  Something cut and dry.

Cardinal:  His goose is cooked now.

Mayor:  Cardinal, please.  You are out of order again.  In 
preparation for this trial I did some research.  And what I 
found was that Don Juan Capistrano's father had a license to 
practice here.  (consulting law book)  And it states in 
section 12, article 2, that if more than one member of a 
family wishes to practice astronomy at a given time, each 
must have a valid license.  

Cardinal:  Ahah!

O'Ryan:  But!  Don Juan's father recently passed away.

D.J.: That is correct.

Mayor:  (consulting law book) Hmmm... It says here that 
another family member may inherit the license, with all 
rights and privileges pertaining thereto.  (Pause) So you may 
practice any of the ancient astronomies in Barcelona whenever 
you like. 

Cardinal:  (To Mayor) What are doing, you idiot? 

Mayor:  (To Cardinal) What can I do?  That's what the law 
says. (To everyone)  You may practice any of the ancient 
astronomies.  But as far as modern astronomy goes, this is 
where the Catalonian code renders no decision.  This newly 
discovered gravitational force may be so powerful, no one may 
be able to keep it in check.  Deductions based on it might be 
downright dangerous.  Thank you, Don Juan.  You may step down 
for now.  (he does) But you may be called back. 
     We must consult an expert.   As the next witness, I call 
Cardinal Imbroglio.  Please take the stand.  (Imbroglio takes 
the witness stand.)  Do you promise to tell the truth, the 
whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? 
(There is a major thunderclap and lightning.)

Imbroglio:  (cringing a bit)  I do.

Mayor:  Now, Your Grace.  With ample justification you have 
brought to our attention the various dubious activities of 
the accused.  We naturally are concerned for the civil and 
moral order in our fair city.  And we wouldn't want anything 
unseemly going on...

(The crowd does a certain amount of harumphing, adjusting of 
clothes, perhaps people moving next to their actual spouses, 
etc.)

Mayor: (continuing) You have brought to our attention the 
methods by which Don Juan came to his understanding of 
eclipse prediction.  

Imbroglio:  Indeed.  He has based it on the Copernican 
theory, without employing the various corrections required 
for that suspect work.

Mayor:  How do we know this?

The crowd:  Yes.  How?

Imbroglio:  We have his copy of Copernicus' book.

Mayor:  May I see it?  (The Cardinal signals to O'Ryan, who 
hands the book to the Mayor.  The Mayor says many mm-hmmm's 
while looking at the book.)

Imbroglio: (sings, looking at Don Juan) 

Now I've got him where I want him.
There's the proof as plain as day.
There's the book.  There's no denying.
What more need a witness say?

Mayor:  The court duly recognizes this as the 1543 edition of 
Copernicus' book, with the name Don Juan Capistrano written 
on the inside cover.

Cardinal:  Ahah!

The crowd:  Ahah!

Mayor:  The court also recognizes that the book is seemingly 
in its original state, that is to say, without the 
corrections required by the Holy Office.

Cardinal:  (haughtily) Ahah!

The crowd:  Ahah!  (Mariposa and Don Juan embrace, full of 
fear.)

(The cleaning lady enters, carrying a bag of pink stuff.)

Cleaning lady:  Cardinal, how many times have I told you how 
hard it is to sweep this stuff off of the floor.

Imbroglio: Not now.  I'm on the witness stand.

Cleaning lady: It's never the right time.  (For all to hear) 
It's always, "Sorry, I'm busy boiling some oil for a 
petitioner."  Or, "I'm busy chopping kindling for a bonfire."  
Or, "I'm petitioning the Grand Inquisitor for some signed 
execution forms with the name left blank."  

Imbroglio: Can't this wait till later?  We're investigating a 
serious crime here.

Cleaning lady: I think it's a serious crime the way the 
Cardinal leaves a trail of papers and eraser crumbs behind 
him whenever he leaves his office.

Mayor: Eraser crumbs?

Cleaning lady: Yes.  Here's a whole bag full.  (Holds it up).

Don Juan:  Have him empty his pockets!  

Mayor:  Silence! Don Juan!  You are the accused!   And this 
is (with surprise of realization) ... my courtroom. 
(Sheepishly) Cardinal, may I ask that you empty your pockets?

Cardinal:  What?!

Mayor:  (Cringing a bit) Please empty your pockets.  (The 
Cardinal reluctantly does so, putting on the judge's bench 
various articles.)  What, may I ask, is this?

Cardinal:  (looking at the item) It's a...it's a...

Mayor:  (holding up the object) May I venture to say that it 
looks like an eraser.  And if I rub it against a page of the 
book, it makes little eraser crumbs, just like the few 
remaining in this book.  (Pause.  With new-found boldness) 
May I suggest that the reason no corrections are to be found 
in Don Juan's copy of Copernicus is that you yourself, 
Cardinal, have erased them?

Cardinal:  You would not dare challenge my authority.  Why, 
everyone in this city cringes beneath it.  Isn't that so?  
(Cardinal looks around, but everyone is looking at him, 
united in their contempt, even the Duke, Duchess, and O'Ryan. 
Each in turn, with O'Ryan last, gives a thumbs down signal to 
the Cardinal.  The Mayor shrugs his shoulders, as if to say 
to the Cardinal, "What can I do?  The people have spoken."  
Thunder and lightning occur.)

[Should Imbroglio sing a few measures of the "I'm sorry/I 
got caught" song, based on "Vesti la giuba" from I 
Pagliacci?]

Mayor:  (To Duke and Duchess) Your Highnesses, might I 
prevail upon you to petition the Pope to have the Cardinal 
reassigned.  (Looking around) In the opinion of the people of 
Barcelona, he is not to be regarded a worthy servant of The 
Lord.

Duke:  A splendid idea!  In the meantime, guards, please take 
him away.  (The guards do so)  (Aside)  I never liked him 
very much anyway.

[Guard (to Cardinal): Are you going to come quietly, or do I 
have to use ear plugs?  (They exit.)]

Mayor:  Don Juan, regarding the charges brought against you, 
we haven't proven very much here today.  But you are guilty 
of having spent a night that wasn't a night with Mariposa. 
And if I correctly read the feelings of both of you, I hereby 
sentence you to remain together, but only if bound by love 
and honor.  May this provide you with a means of staying out 
of trouble.  (banging gavel)  Case dismissed.

The crowd:  Hurray!  (They pat him on the back, etc.)

Mayor: (To cleaning lady) With the Cardinal gone, there won't 
be much work for you to do.

Cleaning lady:  Not really.  That was my part time job.  I 
have a law degree from the University of Bologna.

Mayor: Really?  I am swamped with paperwork these days.  
Perhaps you could help me.

Cleaning lady:  Yes.  And if we can't finish off the case 
load, we could just clean house and throw that stuff away.

Mayor: (To Duke) Don Carlo, I do believe you are now the 
highest authority in beautiful Barcelona.

Duchess: (To Duke) Honey, you know we've been here for three 
years.  No proper German potato salad.  No Wienerschnitzels.   
I could really use some home cooking.  And a change of 
scenery.  How about a vacation cruise on the Danube before we 
resume your training to become heavyweight waltz champion of 
greater Spain? 

Duke: What, my little Wienerschnitzel?  Oh yes, if you wish.  
(Waltz begins to play) I do believe they're playing our song. 
(They waltz off.)

Mayor:  I do believe that Barcelona will soon return to its 
normal state.

O'Ryan: What about me?

Mayor:  Oh?! Oh, yes.  With the ... abrupt departure of the 
Cardinal, we seem to be without one.  I believe it only 
appropriate that you be promoted.  I hereby appoint you 
Acting Cardinal, Padre O'Ryan.

O'Ryan:  Cardinal Padre.  Now that has a different ring to 
it!

Mayor:  As I said, things are getting back to normal.    

Don Juan:  Yes.  As I remember it, as a boy growing up here.

Mayor:  Then in spite of your long absence from Barcelona, 
you must remember the town motto.  (holds up mayoral 
medallion around his neck, reading) Que bueno siempre!  
Always the best.  Sure, we have our smattering of rowdy 
sailors visiting from time to time but everyone (or almost 
everyone) gets along just fine.  That's what makes Barcelona 
the greatest city in the world.

				Barcelona

			(almost to the tune of Oklahoma!)

All:    Barcelona
      Where the wind comes wafting off the waves
      And the smell of fish
      Will make you wish
Mayor:  For a steaming bowl of bouillabaisse.

All:    Barcelona
      Always warm and basking in the Sun
      And our town's replete
        With senoritas sweet.
D.J. and Mariposa: So you're guaranteed to find someone.

All:    Here in the west Medit'rranean's
      Where we're far from Greeks and Albanians.
      So when we say
      Que bueno siempre? 
      We're only saying you're doin' great Barcelona,
      Barcelona, Ole!

(slower tempo) 
	And as we sing
	Another happy end-ing
	(one beat pause) We wish you peace,
	Joy, and happiness, dear friend.
	It's total eclipse,
	E-C-L-I-P-S-E   The End.